Have you ever felt like
you were all alone? That nothing in your life seemed right and
there was no light at the end of the tunnel? Those who face
serious illness, financial setbacks, loss of loved ones, or even
roadblocks in trying to achieve their goals and dreams often feel
totally alone in their darkest hour.
Usually, I write about ways that we can help ourselves through
challenges like this - like calling upon God, having faith,
reframing the situation, looking for the silver lining, and
basically hanging on until the light comes. But today, I'd like to
talk about what you can do when you have a friend or loved one who
is going through these types of challenges. How can you be there
to support them and back them up?
Listen to them
Sometimes all you need in your most challenging moments is a
listening ear, a shoulder to cry on. Really listen to your friend
or loved one. Ask them questions to help them verbalize and think
through solutions to their problems. If you listen carefully, you
can often find the root of the problem. By asking the right
questions and letting them talk it through, they'll be able to
discover their own solutions. My strategist/coach, Jenette
Zubero whom I fondly refer to as the Question Lady, has taught
me the power of the interrogative statement. She says, ''I never
give advice; even if a client asks for it. This may sound
stringent, but I believe that giving advice is a huge disservice
to my clients. I believe that clients can find their own answers
and that when they find the answer, it will be infinitely better
than any advice I could have given.''
Empathize
Although you may have never experienced the exact problem your
friend or loved one is experiencing, you most likely have endured
something similar. Your friend may be having doubts about
decisions they've made. Your friend may have started a business
that isn't taking off, and this could be causing a lot of stress
for them. Even if you've never had your own business, you may
still have experienced similar moments in your life where you
doubted yourself, doubted your decisions, and even doubted your
own self-worth. You can draw upon those feelings you had in your
challenges to help your friend know that you understand the
feelings and emotions that they are having. If you can't relate to
their problem at all, find someone who can, and talk to them about
the feelings that are associated with this type of challenge and
how they worked through it so you can better understand and
support your friend.
It helps to know that you're not alone -- that there is someone
out there who understands your pain, that you have a shoulder to
cry on, and that the feelings you have are perfectly normal.
Give 'em a little push
A friend of mine told me recently that the bigger the challenge
or problem you're pushing against in your life, the more you need
someone behind you pushing you along. In other words, when you're
trying to move a heavy rock, it sure helps to have an extra set of
arms and shoulders to bear the load. From your objective point of
view, you may be able to see answers that your friend is too close
to see. In a loving, but firm way, you can give them insights into
their challenges so that they can have more options for solutions.
You can give them the strength to keep on going and never give up.
One word of caution, you do need to be careful when you push
people that you don't overdo it. You can't beat people over the
head with a club to get them to see their solutions; you'll only
knock them senseless. It is always darkest before the dawn, and it
is in the moment of your greatest darkness that you want to give
up, lose confidence and quit. It sure helps to have a friend who
gently, yet firmly gives you the nudge you need to proceed into
the light.
Inspire them
I would dare say that every challenge that we face in life
could be overcome with faith. Faith that tomorrow will be a
brighter day, faith that this too shall pass. Stay in contact with
your struggling friend. Call them just to see how they are doing,
pick them up and take them to lunch. Send them inspiring
quotes, notes, or cards
to give them little packets of sunlight to brighten their way.
Even one small star in the night can help to light someone's way.
Love them unconditionally
Love them for who they are as well as for who they can become.
I think the truest friend is one who knows your potential, who
sees all the great things in you, and gives you the strength,
courage and vision to reach your full potential. A true friend
doesn't belittle you or love you any less for your shortcomings,
but points out your strengths and helps you work to overcome your
weaknesses. A true friend leaves you better than they found you.
There is nothing so rewarding as helping a friend to the light.
I challenge each of us to reach out to those around us. Instead of
saying, ''Oh, that's too bad'' when someone has a problem,
actually do something about it! Be there for them, help them, love
them, inspire them and get behind that load and push. Don't be
afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing; just be there for them.
As I told a friend the other day, we're not living on an episode
of Touched by an Angel here. God isn't going to send Monica
in a glow of light, but he does send friends who love us to let us
know we are not alone. Be that angel to those around you, and not
only will they be strengthened, but also your life will never be
the same again.